


Mending

by Burningchaos



Series: Separation Series [8]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Dark, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-29
Updated: 2005-12-29
Packaged: 2018-01-11 23:31:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1179244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Burningchaos/pseuds/Burningchaos





	Mending

Rodney watched Ford get off the transporter and head into the infirmary, he missed the old Ford, but he like this new one too. He hoped he and Carson could work it out, hell, he hoped he could work things out with John. It wasn’t exactly like they were fighting, there was just this huge chasm separating them now and he desperately wanted to cross it. He wanted to be able to just _be_ with John, and work it out as they went along. He took a steadying breath and headed toward his room, because he knew that was where John would be; he hadn’t let him out of his sight since he returned.

John was sitting on the bed his face turned toward the window and the dying sunlight had cast an almost ethereal glow to the room. John looked at him silently as he walked in and sat on the room’s only chair. “Hey,” his smile was fragile and for the first time Rodney realized how hard this was on John too.

“Do you know what I wish?” Rodney watched him closely, “I wish that I was still the man you fell in love with and that I could be him again. I can’t, though, and maybe someday I’ll be more like him and maybe I won’t. It doesn’t change how I feel about you, nothing could. Everyday I was gone I thought about you, and how much I wanted just one more second, hour or day with you.” He paused, it hurt to think about how alone he had felt, how he still felt. Standing, he walked over to the bed and sat next to John. He could feel the heat coming off his lover’s body. He had missed that too, because the whole time he was a prisoner he had never felt warm.

“I want us to be alright, I want that more than anything, but you can’t fix me, John. No one can, this is something I have to work through on my own.” Rodney hated this; John was the one person he told everything. He had made, no, still made Rodney feel safe and loved. He wanted to wrap himself around his partner and feel whole again. He wanted to believe John when he said everything would be alright. But that wasn’t how it was going to happen.

“I just want you, Rodney, whether you are or aren’t the same person. I…” John hesitated, his face a mask of pain and despair, “I don’t want to be without you, I am just at a loss here. I don’t know what you want me to do.” He reached out and took Rodney’s hand, entwining their fingers. “I don’t want to lose you, not now, I just found you again,” and as his voice faltered Rodney knew that John was just as broken as he was. These things needed to be said, though, especially if they were to have a future.

“I don’t want that either. I need you to know that I might never go through that gate again, and that even though you can’t fix me; you can stand with me while I learn to fix myself. If you don’t let me do it alone I’ll never, ever be strong enough. I’ll always be afraid and I’ll always feel like I failed or let you down somehow." So maybe those years of terrorizing therapists was finally paying off, and maybe he had listened more than he wanted to admit, but at least he had an idea of what he needed and how he needed to do it.

“Let me down?” Disbelief covered John’s face and screamed out in his tone, “I lost you! I let my guard down and those things took you! How could you let me down? Jesus, Rodney,” John stood and ran a frustrated hand across the back of his neck, “It took me a goddamn year to find you. A year, where you...”

Rodney stood and moved over to John quickly, he grabbed his arm. “John, you did your best and we can’t play the guilt game here. We both need to figure this out.” John nodded and pulled Rodney tightly to him, his hand was fisted in Rodney’s hair and the other wrapped tightly around his waist. And he didn’t say a word, he just held on. Rodney fought back the sob building, “God, I love you…I love you so fucking much.”

“Whatever it takes, I want you anyway I can have you.” John leaned back, his dark eyes boring into Rodney’s, "I don't care about off world. The only thing that matters to me is what we have."

Rodney nodded, “I can work with that,” than he leaned into his lover’s embrace feeling, for the first time since he came back to Atlantis, that he was home.


End file.
